Focus:
Being open to expansion in our journey.
Repetition:
I love my body and will keep my mind focused on what it needs.
I am open to expansion.
Remember that expansion is not a rejection of what you have done up until now.
We are incredibly grateful for learning new things that will only help us.
This week is a break in application, a story, and maybe some useful nuggets from the story. Please feel free to read this at a later date if you are not actually at this week in the protocol and/or you find you are sensitive to stories about trauma. I pray you read it in the future if you cannot read it now.
The Story of How I Was Trained by a Pumpkin Vine
We had a pumpkin vine that took our pomegranate tree completely over this year. The vine was beautiful and made our yard look almost tropical with its large, umbrella-like leaves. We have a path from our gate to the chicken and quail yards that has lovingly been worn by trips to feed, trips to process, and trips to simply walk, observe, and visit. To me, our yard is a haven. We live in a regular neighbourhood surrounded by homes and fairly small yards in close proximity, on a busy road and near a very busy four-lane road. But in our yard is solace and nature despite not living in a rural setting.
My husband has built up the soil; he has cultivated beautiful food gardens, planted fruit trees, and allowed the wild trees to grow all over the yard. He has created natural fencing and borders, all this along with the trees that came with the property. We have a formidable willow oak that I often visit and find calm at the roots. This tree is huge and wise, having the memories of many generations stored in its trunk. We have a Juniperus virginiana, or “cedar tree” as we call them in this area, that planted naturally, and one I replanted for my husband’s Sinterklaas gift. There are many trees here for .6 of an acre, many bushes, wild and planted, and a very cozy feel to our little homestead. I lovingly say, “We live in a bowl,” as we are completely nestled by a big ridge, hills, and trees all around!
Back to the pumpkin vine now — picture it taking over a sixteenth of the backyard! It grew to the right of the pomegranate tree, over the tree itself, spreading out the branches with its weight, and left only a narrow “hall” close to the house to allow access to the bird section of the yard. Because of the far-reaching vine, we were forced to walk down the “hall” or crush the vine and leaves, leaving us with no pumpkin harvest. Since the latter was not an option, we walked around. We walked around for months. The pumpkins have been harvested now, and the vine is but a dried, spent thread of its former self. And yet, I still walk around the pomegranate tree as if the vine is robust. I was trained by the vine and must either stay on the new path the vine offered or retrain myself to walk on the old. Either way, it is up to me; the vine is no longer here for its leafy re-routing.
My Journey
My childhood was very difficult, and I in turn caused difficulty in my child’s journey. I was never sure of myself and worried constantly about many things. My nervous system was very dysregulated; I had severe CPTSD, including two solid years of debilitating, non-stop panic attacks. I went through all four known stages of being in sympathetic dominance: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. I know in my heart, without my healing journey, I would be bed-bound and very sick at age 49. But God gave me a pumpkin vine in the backyard of life to retrain me. I did not always enjoy taking a new path, especially on rainy mornings when the wet leaves of the pomegranate tree and the poky leaves of the pumpkin vine would brush against my skin while I was carrying heavy buckets. Sometimes it was inconvenient, and if I was not feeling well it could prompt irritation, tears, or even anger. It was what was behind the irritation, tears, and anger that I needed to visit and sit with; it was certainly not the vine or the new path or the branches. It was me.
When I was a child, I experienced prolonged sexual abuse, neglect, being mocked for my emotions, getting punished for the abuse once it was discovered, prolonged physical abuse, homelessness in my teens, and an incredible longing for “home” and safety that I could never quench. I did not know the experience of safety or comfort and therefore did not recognise it, would run from it, and chose chaos because it had been the only “home” I knew. When I was 8.5 months pregnant, I experienced a very traumatic event that buckled me. I was not human after that for a very long time. I did my best, and my best was toxic positivity — pretending everything was OK all the time, hiding my utter breakdowns, false confidence to hide my crippling insecurities, and never slowing down. My insecurity manifested as survival narcissism.
My Son’s Dark Night
When I was 41, our son experienced his dark night of the soul. On the outside he exhibited anxiety, anger, and strange physical behaviours like not being able to eat, hiding from the sunlight with a full covering of black clothes in the summer, a strange smell, and seeming to be completely disconnected from life. He was very interested in dark things and had been for a long time. But it was the three months prior to the attempt that he was having the hardest time. I arranged for a male friend to mentor him, take him to church, and spend time with him, man to man. (Our son was 14 at the time.) I started taking Pagiel to fiddle lessons because he had recently become interested in and ordered a violin. I formed a homeschool group so he could meet people his age and form bonds. He was on the outside of it all. He was disconnected from life. All I did was work and try to fix my kid that I knew I had broken. It was not as simple as positive male influence, friendships, or music. He was being followed constantly by dark entities that told him he was awful all the time. One could think that he was having hallucinations or becoming schizophrenic. Hallucinations do not tell you where your mother hid the gun while you were at a museum. And I know God put that in the story so we would know that the Author of all the pages is Divine.
If you are still with me, I will share the good parts of the story now and why I am telling you all of this. Being in the hospital with Pagiel was the most “still” I had ever been. I listened and actually heard God. He walked me through the entire process. I did not feel worthy to pray and had a mix of spiritualism and what little I knew of Christianity. I knew there was a darkness that was responsible for all of our difficulties before my son even told me of his two antagonists. I heard a sinister laughter and saw a grey mist in the barn when I discovered my son, minutes after his attempt. God had spared my son, and I wanted to learn to do what God wanted me to do from that moment on. No matter how I spent my life up until that point and what I honoured, God wanted to save us, teach us, and showed me He cared about two tiny lives in a vast sea of people. I was soon to learn what “home” really was. God spoke to me directly — through the miracles He would perform for us and through other people, through those who came to support us and pray with us, through the reconciliation of my son’s father, his wife, and me, and through the sufferings yet to come.
I watched as Pagiel learned to be a skilled blind guy; I watched as he started to leave the nest, thrive at his job, and go do normal teenager things without me. Then we watched him almost leave the earth a second time. We watched him come home a shadow of himself and thought he may need lifelong care. I was depleted; I was scared that I could not do it as long as he would need it. And terrified because I knew I would naturally leave the earth before he did. We had both continued to get more sick but did not realise it. Our microbiome was getting worse, and our nervous systems were shot at this point. I could only sit on the bed and rock, uttering “Jesus help me, Jesus help me,” without any other words. They were the only ones I needed.
My Darkest Period
When I married my husband, I went through my darkest period internally. He was the safest place on earth I had ever been. The healing had begun, but it felt like death. As it always does, because we must die to some things before we can truly live. I started to look at my life and the things I had done, and I suffocated under the weight of my sin. Now sin is not “the bad things we do” and God gets mad at us for it, but I certainly thought that was what it was. And I was terrified I had permanently separated myself from God. I knew I had out-sinned His Mercy. I experienced this death for about 8 months. God led me through this prior to our son being sick or I would have crumbled. I would have crumbled because I believed I was alone in what should have been one of the most joyful times of life — my honeymoon phase of marriage. It all changed, the burden completely lifted, when I stopped listening to sermons, when I stopped looking outside of my relationship with my Creator for answers, and I said aloud on one of my 4 a.m. walks, “Even if You do not love me anymore, I will still worship You.” The dark sky and the stars were my witnesses, the soft wind through the tops of the trees carried my voice to the owls and the still-visible moon. It was me that had isolated myself. It was my fear, my ever-present and crippling insecurity. It was my pride. I was the centre of everything — was I doing this right? Could I ever get this right? What if I do this wrong? What if I am helpless and everything is all my fault? I was unknowingly worshiping myself. That was my aha moment when everything changed in my interior life.
I still had a lot of work to do and a lot of suffering to meet. And here is where it gets beautiful. I am around 4 years out from that moment, and some things in my life have changed. Some things have improved, and some things have gotten worse. But I allowed God to change me. I walked where He led, and I asked for obedience when I did not want to follow. I have learned a lot about God, and He in turn is teaching me to be human. I have never known how to just be. Ever.
An Invitation
I know some of you may have deep, deep wounds. I know some of you may not be ready to sit with the memories of an abuser or to let go of the pain because it is what you know. I know some of you will whisper “You do not understand,” and that is why I shared more details, more of my personal pain with you. Because I do understand, or at least can empathize with how it feels to endure very difficult things. I realise God may be the last name you want to hear because of religious trauma. But I truly would be remiss to not encourage you to try something new. Let this story be your pumpkin vine and offer you a new path. Some of you may not be with me long; you may be feeling so good you may not need this protocol soon! As we enter close to our 1-year anniversary together, I want to also extend my care for your soul. I would not be doing any of you any justice if I only cared about your temporal health. So while this may not resonate with you, may leave you feeling exposed or even turn you away, I pray that if you need it a seed can be planted.
What I Have Learned
Here are some things I have learned from God. We are eternal beings, and we were created for worship; it is never IF we are worshiping, it is WHAT we are worshiping. Being happy is not the goal; happiness is fleeting, and we are offered a poor version of happiness via modern influences. Religious trauma is caused by people; all trauma is caused by people, not God. God does not force us to love Him; He allows us to choose Him or choose separation from Him. I want all people to choose Him. I forgive daily all the humans from whom I received abuse, and I have been able to have compassion for them. I ask daily for the forgiveness of those whom I have hurt. I have come to understand what “hurt people hurt people” truly means beneath the surface.
Suffering is a gift, always. We can see suffering as a gift; we can offer it as a gift for the souls of others; we can feel gratitude for our suffering. Yes, all of it. We can forgive, and we should forgive; forgiveness is a gift to the person who harmed us and for our own souls. It soothes our painful memories, and the memories themselves can be transformed; the past can transform once you begin to revisit it with new eyes. The past can transform in reality because God lives outside of time. Our belief, trust, and faith change everything. Our souls are eternal, and we want to spend eternity with God. Suffering is not given out by God as a punishment; it exists in the world, and one day it will not. We cannot understand every part of The Story, but we can choose to believe it, ask God for Hope, Faith, and Charity to see the parts as they are and to know that God is good.
Sin is not “the bad things we do”; it truly is an illness we are given by our ancestors just as we were given our illnesses by our ancestors. I would not be here the way you know me without God inviting me into a space of healing, peace, and joy. He is inviting you; He invites us all. You do not have to start with a church or the Bible. You can read stories of the Saints, the Desert Fathers and Mothers, modern stories of people who accepted the invitation. You can start by asking, “Jesus, help me?” You can take your time, and you can learn to listen to the Small, Still Voice again. We could all hear Him at one time in our lives. He has not changed — the noise around His Voice simply got louder.
It is up to us; God does not force us to love Him. He offers us vines to steer our path, but we make the decision to crush the vine or to try a new path. This current life is temporal; even our health journey is not about longevity. Our health journey is but a piece of our true journey — the journey of a soul. It is very difficult to worship God when we are sick, inflamed, have pathogenic overgrowth, and generally feel terrible. It is even more difficult if we have never even heard the good things about Him. Jesus Christ died for us; He offered the most beautiful Suffering of all to save us. Why does suffering need to be offered? I do not know. I just know that it was offered freely, and it was the Greatest Gift of all. It was a Gift for humankind, and it was a Gift for you and for me. Jesus went to the place of the dead to gather souls, take them home, and then He resurrected. The Holy Trinity — One God — will speak to you through songs, through those around you, through nature, through the urging in your soul, through mystical and ordinary means. I want more than anything for you to just listen. The questions do not all need an answer. Be again as a child; trust and outstretch your hand for help. Help is waiting.
Thank you for sitting with my story. I hold your journey in prayer.